I will be married to my high school sweetheart of 10 years for 5 years this September (15 years altogether – literally half my life). Throughout our journey of courting and being married (and observing others), I have picked up a few things regarding relationships that I think might help people who are in relationships, those who desire to be in a relationship and those who want to get married sometime soon or sometime in the future… Now, I am no marriage or relationship expert. But I think I’ve seen enough for me to share these thoughts with you.
To my sisters…
1. If God is not the source of his strength, don’t marry him sis! A man who doesn’t have God in his life is a man who takes pride in his own strength and ability to do things for himself and those around him. This can become problematic because at some point he will fail, fall or falter and he will then chase and find other things to ‘give him’ strength such as alcohol, other women, money and so on. This man is full of pride and will not accept when he is wrong since he has no idea how to humble himself. A man who knows God, (and I’m not talking about those psychos who hide behind the veil) knows who he is and whose he is. This means that because he submits to Christ, he knows what submission looks and feels like and thus knows the ways in which you ought to submit to him. A man who knows God has vision. He knows that there are many things he cannot do in his own strength and therefore depends on God for guidance, knowledge, understanding, etc. This kind of vulnerability is essential. Because man is fallible, failure is inevitable, he needs to be a man who knows how to hold onto the promises of God and choose to follow God’s plan for his life. Otherwise, he will become frustrated with his own limitations and take it out on you and maybe even the kids. Marry a man with vision!
2. Before you marry him, check the way he treats and speaks to the other women in his life (mother, sister, step-sister, female cousins and friends, baby mamas, etc); that is how he will end up treating you and speaking to you. He regards you, as a woman first, on the same level as the other women in his life.
3. Check who his friends are. This will tell you whether or not he is a good judge of character. 1 Corinthians 15:33 “Do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good character”. Because one always begins to resemble the people one has in one’s circle, it is inevitable that he will follow the tendencies of the kinds of men he surrounds himself with; his friends. Now ladies, it is not enough not to like his friends because they keep him away from you (and trust me, he needs time away from you – just as you need time away from him). But if his behaviour is dictated by what his friends say and do, you’re gonna have a problem. His friends give (or ought to give) him a space where he can engage in (healthy) male conversation and laughter. He cannot have these with you. There is a bounce in a man’s step who has spent time with his friends (now this can be a positive and/or a negative depending on the crowd he’s hanging with). Point is, discern his judgement of character through the people he surrounds himself with. This will tell you who and what he will become.
4. Marry a man with work ethic. He needs to be able to handle a few basic survival duties, like cooking and holding a job. Now, it’s unreasonable for you to expect him to cook a seven-colour Sunday lunch - although that would be great. The least he must be able to do is slap a decent sandwich together and prepare a good hot beverage; these are the minimum requirements. A guy who can feed you really cares for you. This man will bring you a hot water bottle and McDonalds when you’re on your period. Okay, I might be stretching it a bit, but this is a hint for my brothers. He will make you tea or coffee, draw you a hot bath and/or massage your feet occasionally. If he doesn’t understand the basics of TLC, you will fall ill and he will not know how to take care of you.
Also, if a man is lazy, he will see a gap and instead of addressing and filling the gap, he will point it out for you to do. For example, the man who sits and places orders for coffee and never makes any for you is the one who won’t help you change the baby’s diapers and make bottles. If/when you have a baby by this husband, you will be having that baby for yourself – don’t do that to yourself. He must have work ethic or at least be willing to help out and fill the gaps. But also, be careful of the man who works a job and refuses to do anything around the house because he’s been “working all day”. A man must be able to distribute his energy and resourcefulness evenly. This is the kind of intel you get from his mom or siblings.
The first thing Adam was instructed to do in the Garden of Eden was work!
Genesis 2:15 “The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it”
A lazy man will leach and live off your efforts for the rest of your life. He doesn’t have to have it all together right now, but there must be evident drive and determination, and he must make a clear effort. Otherwise, you will marry a man who will walk you to the taxi every morning on your way to work while he goes home to watch movies under a blanket. You spot the lazy ones by who argues their way out of braaing the meat and those who sit around when there’s a church event happening, and chairs need to be stacked. Abort mission with this one, fast! Otherwise, you will be cleaning up after him for the rest of your life #manchildrenmustfall
5. Watch him carefully when he’s angry, frustrated, under pressure, stuck in traffic and so on. Look at the way he deals with rejection and the way he behaves when things are out of his control. The way he handles difficult situations in everyday life will tell you what your life will be like with him. If he lashes out, the chances are likely that he will lash out when he’s angry or annoyed with you. If he’s laid back, urgent matters that arise in your marriage will not be handled swiftly and efficiently. Look for a calm problem-solver, not the one who creates, formulates, and highlights problems – you don’t need this kind of negativity in your life!
To my brothers… (I didn’t forget about you)
1. If she can’t/doesn’t pray, don’t marry her bro! Women were created to be the helpers of men. A woman who doesn’t talk to God about you doesn’t understand that you are not her creation to fix. This woman won’t try (as hard) to change you; she takes you to the throne of your Father in Heaven so He can fix His kid. Women who pray have a deeper level of discernment and will be your best adviser. This is because she pays attention and pushes God’s agenda for your life; she holds you to a higher standard because she thinks highly and also speaks highly of you.
2. Listen to the way she speaks to you when people are around. Find a wife who can give you the look and deal with you later. She will not embarrass you in public because she honours you and desires to preserve your integrity and that of your relationship. But trust, you will be hearing about it later and you best have a good explanation and/or a (sincere) apology on hand. Also, listen to the way she talks to you in private. If she speaks down on you and you marry her anyway, best believe that will be the trajectory of your life – down… Find and hold onto a woman who speaks to you like a king – with honour and respect. Also, if a woman tells you she is crazy and/or a psycho, believe her! This woman uses this line to justify her violent and abusive ways. The minute she utters these words - run!
3. Marry a woman of moderation and a measure of financial wisdom; one who is high-maintenance because she knows her worth and won’t tolerate any kind of disrespect, not because she loves nice things too much. A woman who loves nice things could cost you because she usually has expensive taste. This one will pressurise you and even get you into debt to maintain a certain lifestyle. You can’t build with this woman because she strives for immediate gratification. Now don’t get me wrong, all women love nice things, but only few are able to contain it. A woman who can contain her desires for everything of the best that money can buy is a woman with financial wisdom. She is the kind of woman who makes sure all the bills are paid, that all the cupboards and the fridge are packed, and that the car is filled with petrol. She might even grab new shoes for the kids and a chocolate bar for you. This woman can make money stretch; she makes a little go a long way. Marry her!
Sidenote: a woman of moderation is less likely to be a nag. She will nag in moderation also, lol. Proverbs 27:15 “A nagging wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm”. A woman must strive to create a peaceful environment in her household. If she nags more than anything in your relationship, she will nag you for the rest of your life.
4. Look at the way she speaks to and treats public workers (cleaners, waiters, petrol attendants, etc). This will show you the amount of compassion she has for others. A woman of compassion is rarely selfish; she genuinely cares for people and will therefore care deeply for you. If she is rude, arrogant and dismissive towards others, this is how she will end up treating you. But also, be careful of those who are nice to everyone but you. They’re out there and will verbally and emotionally break you behind closed doors.
5. Look for a woman who is grateful for the little things. She will appreciate you and honour everything you do. This is the woman who makes you feel wanted, needed, dependable. This woman is less likely to speak down on you and will not make you feel worthless for not doing what she wants you to do or how she wants you to do it. She will show gratitude and praise your efforts (even when the job is half-done, shame).
General tips:
· Avoid this level of commitment with insecure people. You will spend a lifetime explaining yourself out of situations that are not even as deep as they seem.
· Marry someone who understands that you need space to develop as an individual. Someone who smothers you with their needs is one who won’t give you a break to work out your own.
· Also, marry someone who can swiftly attend to your needs.
· If you stay single, you can get a lot more done with your life. If you choose to get married, make sure you marry someone who believes in you and pushes you to achieve your dreams. The person you marry determines your quality of life – your mental health, your self-confidence, the opportunities you get and don’t get to take. Your level of accomplishment is often a direct reflection of your spouse. Wherever you see prosperity and success in married people, know that there is a spouse contending for greatness.
· Very important – marry someone you can laugh with! “Life is a gift to be enjoyed, not a problem to be solved” – Pastor Bernie Lebattie. With all the challenges life throws at us, the least you deserve is the ability to laugh from your gut with the person you love. This keeps the friendship in your marriage fun. If you can’t laugh with your person, don’t marry them. Laughing people fight less. The goal here is to laugh forever with someone you take seriously.
· Before you marry, find out a little bit about the person’s family and upbringing. It will put some of their tendencies and dispositions into perspective for you.
· Don’t marry for money. You might have everything you want, but you’ll forever be miserable because people often try and control you with their money.
Finally, the things we tend to ignore during courting become amplified in marriage. The red flags we overlook become the toxic traits that entrap us in the consequences of our decisions. Remember that as human beings, we are conditioned to love, but without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, we are bound to get it wrong. Because God is love, it is only the knowledge of God’s love that enables and empowers us to love one another correctly.
For those who are in relationships and may or may not be looking at getting married, I hope you’ve taken something from my detailed checklist for anticipating marriage or remaining in a long-term relationship. Now, it is unlikely that you will find someone who fits all the above criteria. So, think about which traits you could possibly live with. Furthermore, my tips for the kind of husband and wife you should strive to be can be deduced by reading the guidelines I’ve stipulated for the opposite person and the general tips as well. There is also something for each gender to be derived from the guidelines I’ve set out for the other… I’ve omitted some other stuff like looking out for verbal, emotional, psychological abuse; having the ability to fight fair; being loyal; being able to compromise and taking interest in your partner’s interests, and transparency when it comes to money to name a few… these are topics for another day.
So wise up, be smart, and stop settling for the first thing that looks promising. Wait on God and be sure that this is the one He wants you to be with and/or marry… More than anything, don’t marry the one you can imagine living with, marry the one you can’t imagine living without!
“You don’t need marriage, marriage needs you” – Pastor Ningi Sibuyi
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