Statistics show that 21 000 people were murdered in South Africa in 2019, which equates to 58 people per day. Of these 58, at least seven women and three children are murdered daily. What these statistics show is that the problem in South Africa is not as much femicide in particular as it is murder in general. The disturbing fact about femicide, however, is that women are often killed by their partners; the people we trust with our lives are the ones who take them. The common thread is that it is usually the weakest and most vulnerable in our society that become targets for murder.
Now, as much as we are shouting “stop killing us!” I don’t believe this is the correct approach to begin uprooting and eradicating femicide in South Africa. This is because I think that the focus should shift from who is being killed to who is doing the killing. What our upkeep of statistics does is just that, it keeps up with the statistics. I have seen warnings and guidelines that women should follow to be vigilant at all times; I have come across ways of training children on how to deal with strangers and getting lost in public places, etc; I have seen tips on how drivers should be vigilant for potential hijackings and so on. What I have not seen is how men are being guided and counselled to be stand up human beings who will not fall into the hell hole of becoming murderous monsters. What kind of guidance and training is out there to ensure that our men know how to take care of themselves and thus take care of others? I believe that it is not the murdered, but the murderers and potential murderers that we need to address and start focusing on.
It is at root level that I believe we should start this discussion and decipher how it is that we are raising our boys. How are we socializing them? What are we teaching them? What kind of responsibility and accountability do we hold them to as a society? Are we empowering men to be the men they were designed and created to be? What are we doing to ensure our boys turn out to be great husbands and fathers? How are we speaking to our men? Do men have social counselling groups to discuss past trauma that might be affecting them mentally – because we know they’re not venting to their friends lest it dents their masculinity. Do we have any initiatives that seek to improve and sustain the mental health of men beyond sexual promiscuity, the love of money, and alcohol to name a few?
What makes a man think, in his heart, that it is okay to take the life of another human being? Is it because boys are taught to never take no for an answer or to never get caught doing what they’re not supposed to? Is it because they’re taught to win the fight by any means necessary? Is it because boys are not allowed to cry stuff out since “big boys don’t cry?” Is it because men don’t talk about their feelings because that’s what women do? I strongly believe that talking and crying is what causes women to live longer than men. This is proven by statistics that men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women. In addition, majority of murders and violent crimes are committed by men. Is it because they’ve experienced childhood trauma and abuse that they have not yet healed from? How do boys and men heal from trauma if they don’t have healthy platforms on which to speak about and air their feelings without being belittled or degraded as men? Is it because we continue to empower girls and women and do less in this regard for boys and men? Is it because as mothers, we continue to shield our boys from all kinds of ‘danger’ because we don’t believe they have the capacity to do whatever it is; so they grow up wanting to prove they have the power to do anything (including taking a life)? Is it because there are more toxic men playing mentor and role model to our boys than good men? Is it because good men are not taking as much responsibility for younger boys because they’re not their sons and are thus missing opportunities to teach them what it takes to be a good man? Is it because we’re relying too heavily on women to raise men – which they cannot do without the help of a man (any man) teaching her boy how to be a man? Is it because they believe that manhood is proven by how much power and control one can maintain over another? Is it because boys are not held accountable for their actions as children so they grow up believing they will never have to take responsibility for themselves or others?
What is the problem? Where does it start? I don’t believe abusive and murderous men will just stop killing women; and I don’t believe there is anything women, children and the vulnerable can do to prevent themselves from being killed. I do strongly believe that it is up to us as a society to do a better job at raising our boys correctly and collectively!
“It takes a village to raise a child” – is this still relevant? Yes! Is it still the case? No!
What we have done as adults in our society is adapt the attitude that ‘I will not involve myself because it is not my child’ and this, in itself, is problematic. This attitude could have been adopted because parents don’t allow for other adults to call out and reprimand their children, and they’re less likely to be doing it themselves. These parents often say things like “You don’t let them tell you, I am your parent,” and are often not teaching the principles the other adult is trying to convey. These parents make their children believe that as long as they are around, their kids don’t have to listen to anyone or answer to anyone. They make their children believe that their bad behaviour is okay as long as they’re okay with it. They attack the first adult to even question their child on bad behaviour with the line “This is not your child, I will deal with the matter,” and often don’t. Now, I’m not saying that you should allow people to scream at and spank your kids. However, you should allow for your child to be corrected, even if not by you. In turn, we need to call out bad behaviour in other people’s kids as well lest it becomes the norm. This is important because there might be something about your child’s behaviour that you could be missing and that another adult might be able to pick up. I am also not saying that your child should be put in line regarding gender roles and out-of-order socialisation. As a parent, you need to discern whether the correction of your child will help them, or even you. My point is this:
Allow for your children to be corrected now so they don't perpetuate bad behaviour and stinking attitudes later!!!
The reason the concept of village-raising is significant is because children are then held to a higher standard of responsibility and accountability growing up because more people are watching them. This means that as a parent, you need to become comfortable with another adult calling your child out on their bad behaviour and allow for them to be reprimanded by someone other than you. You then need to follow through on what the other adult said and hold your child to taking responsibility for the behaviour they were called out on, and to repent from it. The moment we cover up for our children, they learn nothing; and we are more likely to cover up for the bad behaviour of our boys because “boys will be boys” right? Wrong! It is this exact mentality that excuses bad behaviour in boys that causes them to believe that they are not responsible or accountable for their actions because someone will always be there to excuse and/or cover up the mess. The more we allow other adults to engage, teach and guide our kids, the more likely we are to build stronger children...
Furthermore, we cannot continue to raise and socialize our male and female children with double standards. As much as we socialize our girls on what type of men to look out for, we need to train and socialize our boys on the type of men they need to become. So, my plea is this: let us begin to examine the standards according to which we were made to believe boys ought to be raised. Are they accurate? Do they actually work? Does it make sense? Does it help to produce a society of mentally healthy men who are able to take care of themselves and others? We cannot continue to treat boys as if they’re mentally and emotionally smart enough to work through their internal mess themselves without any negative consequences. As much as the vulnerable need help, men need help. How can we help men become all they were created to be? This is not a question to parents of boys exclusively; this is a question to every living person who makes up part of our society. We need to uproot and eradicate toxic masculinity and we need to do it now!!! It might be too late for some men to change at this point, but if we save our boys, we save our future men. We are a traumatized nation and we cannot allow the trauma to continue unaddressed, unresolved, and unhealed…
Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way they should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it"
“It is easier to build a strong child than to repair a broken man” – Frederick Douglas
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