For context: I am a 29-year-old, first time mom to a two-year-old daughter, going on 3.
Since the law has been passed that beating your children is now illegal, there has been a massive uproar especially by parents who have known beatings as the only form of discipline for as long as they can remember. To these individuals, beatings taught them how to behave, it taught respect and good manners. Perhaps beatings work to this end, but perhaps we ought to consider the perspective of the child receiving the beating. Imagine a child who is so afraid of you that they choose to stay out of your way, not because they respect your space, but because they fear saying or doing something that would warrant a beating. Imagine the psychological damage we do to our kids when we beat them for everything they do wrong.
There are many alternatives to discipline; the naughty corner, grounding, forbidding social or sporting activities, and sit-downs to explain and understand consequences to name a few (not that I know whether any of these work yet). I just strongly believe that a lack of creativity is what has many parents fuming concerning this new law. The point is, there have been many children who grew up dealing with violent behaviour or even mental health issues as a result of constant beatings. This may not be simply because the beatings themselves are bad, but because beatings are often accompanied by emotional abuse. If during beatings, you remind your child about how naughty or useless they are, and how they will ‘never learn’, then we have a problem. We cannot sow these kinds of seeds and expect our kids to grow up to believe in themselves and be optimally functioning human beings who thrive in every area of their lives. What we don’t realise is how we stunt the development of our kids through our traditional means of ‘discipline’. I must add: I didn’t learn respect and good manners through beatings. I learned those values by following my mother’s example – I did what she did. It is in mimicking her behaviour and engagement with others that I learned how to be respectful and polite. This is how she taught me the most valuable lessons. If we really want disciplined children, they need to see disciplined adults; in the same way that we see violent children because they see violent adults.
Don’t get me wrong (some of you will anyway, but that’s not my business), I am not saying that we should never beat our kids. I am suggesting that we find more creative and constructive ways of instilling discipline that will foster respect, not fear. I would hate for my daughter to grow up being afraid of me. If I cannot be her safe place, who will be? If I cannot teach her good manners, respect, and ‘discipline’ without losing my patience every time she misses the mark, what am I saying to her? I am saying that I do not have the capacity to lovingly guide her when she is going in the wrong direction. I am saying that I do not have the patience to help her practice getting it right; I am saying that I don’t have the time to help her up every time she falls because she should ‘know by now’; I am saying that conflict and frustration is to be handled with violence. Even as adult human beings, we will never truly arrive at the level of behavioural excellence that we often expect from our children. If I cannot practice patience with my daughter when she is having a meltdown, how do I expect her to practice patience when I say, “We can’t do that or afford that right now?” If I meet fire with fire, how will I teach her to respond calmly and positively to a personal storm?
It is true that your child will test you, and at some point, you may need to put your foot down for them to remember their place. It does not mean that your ‘rod’ needs to be on standby 24/7 just in case they act up. Children will always act up; they are children and are still figuring out how to deal with their emotions and how to navigate this crazy world with all its crazy inhabitants – just as we adults do daily! I think we just need to spend more time with our kids; we need to get to know them for who they are, not who we expect them to be, and learn their different behaviours. We need to be able to discern when they’re being naughty just because they can be or whether they just want some attention and affection. We need to be a lot more patient as they learn and grow, and we need to be creative in terms of how we ‘discipline’ them.
“Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he’s old, he will not depart from it” – Proverbs 22:6 NLT. What this means for me is that I will have to remind my daughter of the way and give her the time and room to practice until she gets it. It doesn’t mean I will always have the patience, it means that in my moments of impatience, I will take a deep breath and remember that I am helping her grow instead of expecting her to get it right by herself. If this means letting stuff slide for my own sanity – so be it.
Most of us have no idea what we’re doing as parents. We just need to remember to lay down the love before we lay down the law.
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